trying and failing to love myself

Photo Credit: Amira Olivia. January, 2018.

I, like so many others, wear a mask. I have a face for the world, and a face of my own. I decide what I want to portray and how I want to portray it. Recently I have been feeling slightly hypocritical about it all. I preach to people about self love, self acceptance and self worth, yet here I am lacking in all of those things. I encourage people to show their true selves to the world, yet I hide behind a mask.

I find beauty in all people. I find joy in people’s individuality and self expression. I encourage uniqueness and quirkiness in others. On some rare occasions, I even find beauty in myself. The way my eyeshadow looks, the way my hair falls on my back, the curvature of my waist. But I don’t practice what I preach. I don’t love myself on rainy days, or bloated days, when I’m on my period or after a sleepless night. I struggle to love the shape of my lower stomach and the width of my thighs. My crooked tooth and my wonky eyes. On most days I find no beauty in myself. Yet I get sad when others are blind to themselves.

There are days when I love who I am, behind the makeup and the humour. My soul. My character. I admire myself for surviving so many hard times, for making it out okay, for not letting the pain consume me and fuel bad habits. I love that I can learn and grow from bad experiences. I love how much I have grown this year, how much I have changed, adapted and accepted. I am stronger in myself than I have ever been before and I know that is a great achievement. I know who I am, I know what I want and I know what I deserve. Yet, there are still rainy days. Days where I think of my past self, my weaker moments, harder experiences, emotional breakdowns and I feel regret and self loathing. I do not love who I was. I do not like what I put up with.

I’ve been trying to get out of a rut for months. I’ve been trying to find that inner strength and self love that I seem to have lost. I have been trying to like myself as much as I pretend to in front of the world. I have been trying, and failing.

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