Timing is everything…
I lost my mind for a time in the hills of the Middle East. War threatening the insides of my subconsciousness with stress. The pressure overwhelming my senses and rationality. Decisions made hastily in fear and insecurity. All the promises I made were lost forever in a dark space between matter and time.
Does it matter, time? Which time is the right time? Oh, to go back in time would solve nothing for I needed that time. I needed time to discover myself and appreciate you. I didn’t know it but I was broken when I met you in that jungle. My heart was willing to risk breaking again but my mind was not. I know what I said to you, it was not a lie. It came from my heart while my head told me to run. Run from the pain, the war, the self-doubt.
So I ran, ran into the arms of another. Instant gratification for my mind. Shoving my heart into darkness to cope with my fear. This is the mechanism in which my mind dealt with its first war. He promised unwavering love, no true ambition but his love for me. I didn’t have to have fear and he soothed my aching heart when you couldn’t. My brain denied our connection, a bond older than time and matter. A bond that only exists when souls intermingle across the universe.
Across the universe, my soul aches for you as it has ached for centuries. Trying to fight the fear only harms us, me harming you, you hurting me, us harming other people. And I know that I made the move, I chose this path. I hurt the people I promised to love the most. Even though I would do anything to take all that pain away, I can’t bring myself to regret it. For life, you must experience sorrow before pleasure. For we cannot appreciate what we’ve had until we’ve lost it.
I’ve lost you, you’ve lost me, they lost us. Maybe one day, we will realize why it never worked out with anyone else. Or maybe, we will never experience a love so immersed in divinity. The years shall pass. Winter to spring, summer to fall, and my soul still aches. My heart was found in the jungle of West Africa and lost in the desert of the Middle East.