This is what you are: Je ne sais quoi

When you’re never supposed to fall for anyone

My photo, Rome, Artwork

The process of falling for someone is written in poetry, songs, so many different mediums. But where are those songs and movies about the aftermath of choosing love? Those long days where you come home and you’re just… depleted. You have an enjoyment of your career, yet, all you want and need is quiet to recharge again.

It generally would happen that someone does the falling with me. I stand firmly on the edge. They throw themselves into the warm, indescribable abyss of it. My feet stay firmly planted on the ground as I watch them. There was one man where I had an oxytocin rush hit me when I spent time with him.

It was serendipitous that he vanished from my life. I’m drawn to those so distant, protected, self reliant on themselves.

The chemical state we’re in when we are infatuated is quite the cocktail. When we fall for another human being, this ‘lust’ state pumps us with oxytocin. We can literally become addicts of this experience. It will last about six months to a year, maybe longer in some instances. Eventually it will wear off and that’s when the work of staying together, being with this person, comes into play.

The truth of the matter is choosing to love another involves give, take, and compromise. It means devoting yourself to this person and working together every day. Even those days you really can’t stand the other.

We’ve all had times where we aren’t our best person. Where we reek of exhaustion and tiredness oozes from our pores. It’s hard to give to another when there’s hardly enough for ourselves to get by.

There are moments in the past where someone falls in lust with me. They seem to crave me, and then within a few months that craving is satiated. The men I choose are distant like me, or incredibly busy. We are used to being infrequent with visiting.

There’s this unsaid thing that a relationship isn’t possible. The free time we have is nearly nonexistent, so we might as well enjoy each other now while we can.

I want that, being fully present in this moment with whomever I’m with. Because who knows when we’ll have the chance to be able to see each other.

I want them to absolutely be free.

I desire my own freedom like the oxygen I breathe. This may be an unusual attribute for the men that unlock me physically. I don’t mind them having their lives and living them. I will support you, be there besides our enjoyment of being together in those rare, precious moments.

What makes me want to fall and choose to love another?

  • Intelligence is an attribute that attracts me like an insect to light.
  • Kindness to others and a good heart.
  • An ability to expand my mind, my knowledge, to push me past my bounds.
  • An absolute adoration of fucking. Kinkly, where we devour, bite, plunge and gasp for air in-between. No shame about my fucking game.
  • Fierce independence, both for themselves, and that they understand I will be the same. Do not ever try to tether me because I will break it fast.
  • Presentness always in our moments together.
  • A beautiful soul, something that makes me question my perspective on things in a good way.

It is never something where this person completes me that draws me to them. It’s the fact they are so different, diverse, and someone that makes me want to find out new things about myself. They are someone who is kind to me, because I will not tolerate anything less. I will always remind them of their own strengths when they feel weaker.

I know that for some people it’s how that person makes them feel. For me it’s a number of things that may draw me to another. I can describe some attributes, but others are hard to articulate.

It’s something else I can never describe. It’s that intrinsic je ne sais quoi I can never put my finger on. It isn’t a choice of forever. I will give you my my right here and now, every time we’re together.


More crazy — MentalDessert. Thanks for reading!

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