Shall I Say Goodbye?

I would love to be at such a place right now.

Human relationships are extremely complicated. I wish they were much more simple, but life is not an easy business either, so it would be naive to hope that such an essential part of it could be. Let`s talk about family today, shall we? Family and those scenarios, where you consider an option of not talking to someone anymore, because you got hurt. This is going to be painful, but let me try.

I thought you were the one to protect me, to take care of me when the worst times came. I have never been naive enough to not realize that there have always been some other things I had no idea about and would probably never find out, but I have always been naive enough to hope that they mattered much less than the love you had for me. Now I feel like asking — did you even love me or was it just a thing expected from you? One of? One among the others? Have you ever truly been proud and happy that I was a part of your family, that I was a child of your child? I suppose, no. I was just there, so you had to deal with it. Deal with me, I mean. Me and my presence.

Yesterday I needed your support. I needed your help. I asked for it, because no one else could do anything about it. I knew you would not react the way I would like you to, but I hoped you would have at least some kind of concern. What you did though was heartbreaking. I am standing on the street and crying, you are telling me that I am wrong, that I am the one who has to fix it, that I am the problem. And finally, when I am asking, if it is true that I do not have those certain rights, your response it “have you ever been limited in any way?”. Gosh! What the hell? Did you even hear what I said? Did you? Did you process my words? Did you realize what it meant? Can you even imagine what your response did? NO!

I am outside and I am helpless. I know that I am lucky beause there is a place to go to, a place where I will be taken care of, where I will feel welcomed, b u t what if I did not? What would I have to do then? Where would I have to go to pretend that it was my home? I was crying and thinking “I want to go home, I want to be at home”, but I was wrong to even call it that, because as it turns out I did not have such a right.

Finally, this situation is another example of the case, when tiny little thing results into a huge issue, because it has always been there, but it has been hidden, and now it is out there in the world. And it is harsh. This is not a conflict, neither it is an argument. It is a sitution which has proven my worst fears. They were real, they are real. As I find no words I could say, no way I could point out what I feel, I find no other solution apart from not communicating anymore. I despise hypocricy. I do not understand why we should pretend. I feel betrayed! How can I act like you are not the one who betrayed me? I cannot. That is not my way of doing things.

Not communicating anymore. Really? There have been years of silence, years of learning how to talk, years of discomfort and awkwardness, years of anger and pain, years of learning how to talk, years of silence, years of finally thinking that we learnt how to talk and now…years of silence again? But how much time do we have? What if we do not have it at all? What if I will end up not knowing you at all? Well, if it happens that way, I am sorry, but it was your fault. One of your favourite phrases is “You are family and family members are the dearest people”, but this is the most hypocritical thing for you to say, because in our case family means the most cruel people. Point blank.