My Love Story...
It’s difficult and it hurts, being in love and you are the only one in it.
You adore someone who seemed to have cherished you once upon a time, but the times have changed.
You fall in love with this person who makes it seem as if there is an opportunity of love in return, but soon it’s all gray.
Then you fall in love with a person who truly would not feel the same way about you…not ever.
You fall in love with a person who also loves you deeply and then this person just switches off and hurts you in ways that you thought would have been impossible because what you both shared was the real deal.
This person loved you and the feeling was mutual, however some new guy comes along and soon she’s gone. Everyone keeps telling you how much cooler and better you are than this new guy in every way… but the love of your life remains with Mr. new guy.
When there is no Mr. new guy , it’s even harder to understand. Your mate simply fell out of love at some point or did not fall in love the day you did. She has stumbled and stuttered through reasons and explanations on why being good friends is enough, however nothing is going to make you feel better except for, “I love you and I need you.”
You try to be strong in the situation you are in but you’re left with excruciating pain.
As you stroll through your days, like a mindless zombie, all you do is go back in time over and again in your thoughts. All you can think about is how you’re meant to be and how you have both been happy in the past. It may well be yesterday or last week, last year or even ten years ago. Still, your thoughts takes you back there each minute of each day.
Where did I go wrong? What didn’t I do right? What should I have done that I failed to? What did I do that I should not have?
The thoughts and questions in a constant loop. You can’t eat, you can’t even be sound asleep. You’re a weepy mess. You feel rejected and worthless. You feel as though there’s something honestly wrong with you. You wonder what you can do to make this this person need you.
To even say that you have been unlucky in love would be an understatement.
You have not been lucky in love. Yes you’ve been blessed with a few awesome moments but somehow manage to choose someone who did not want what you wanted or did not feel what you felt.
You have seriously had to sit down with this thought and attempt to figure out what part of this is your fault and how to change it.
You think of a million reasons for this hurtful thing, none of which has anything to do with how she feels about you.
She’s just being a lady. Ladies… they love the attention. It’ll be over soon. Or perhaps it’s an alternative route on the way to a happy ever after with me. It’s going to all be over quickly. I simply need to be the patient dog and wait it out. I’ve heard of stories where the whole thing works out in the end. There are even movies where it really works out. There has to be some reality in them...right?
You have over and over again entered right into a relationship determined to locate love but this one sided thing seems to be your curse. Love is a blessing, this you know. Unrequited love on the other hand is a cancer and is eating you alive.
Falling in love can be a slippery slope, irrespective of any defensive boundaries we may have constructed. It could ease in like a gentle mist that settles itself superbly over your life, or it may blindside you.
It’s unfortunate that we fall in love with someone sooner than we have fully gotten to even know it. By then, you’ve already stretched your heart out for someone who is able to break it into pieces. This is what love calls for I believe. Utmost vulnerability and trust.
Elastic hearts or Elastic love. It stretches and retracts and adjustments form constantly. It’s far, very far from certain. Some days you are over the moon and the next day, drowning in the shadows.
Your elastic heart breaks. You re-tie it, only now there’s a bumpy knot. All at once, that ideal notion of the perfect person is a bit…even a little bit twisted. Something rocked the pedestal. Sometimes you are able to recover from this, sometimes you can’t.
Loyalty and dedication to true love means that we are not to walk away from the people that we love. People telling you to love without expectation. So you sit and ask yourself ‘why?’.
If your love is shared and you’re both happy, I assume you wouldn’t query love at all. There would be no need. Oh well...
However if your relationship, is unbalanced and one person is hurting, what number of portions is expected of the heart to break into and how much damage are we able to allow ourselves to get before we throw these selfless notions about love out the window and accept that this sort of love isn’t good for anyone?
For those of you who have been blessed to discover a romantic love that is equally shared, I envy you and have set out to discover it sooner or later.
For now, I feel the pain and nevertheless want to get over it. My heart is in recuperation but this is a slow one.