Lisa Simpson For President 2020

Fuck Ted Cruz

I am an only child. I have never been very close with my cousins and for the better part of my childhood, all of my friends were boys. My parents and I have always been very close and my mother was my first best friend. Until I started sneaking girls into my basement at 16, my mother was the only female perspective in our home. Or so I thought.

“…A woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one.” — Homer Simpson

With their debut in 1989, The Simpsons have been on television my entire life. I’m convinced that what is keeping me alive is The Simpsons historic television run. A run that continues today almost 30 years later. It’s inevitable that all good things come to an end and when that day comes, and I combust into a pile of golden-yellow ash to transcend into the great beyond with the show that so graciously grants me life, I won’t fret. And I must ask that you don’t cry for me. I’m already dead. The Simpsons taught me to live and to live well. However, not all of them had great advice for my young malleable mind (cough, Homer, cough). Every character, good or bad, opened my mind to a new idea, belief or point of view. But the one who taught me the most was Lisa Simpson.

“(To Bart) Having never received encouragement, I’m not sure how it should sound, but here goes: I believe in you.” — Lisa Simpson

Lisa taught me inner strength. Despite her brother Bart’s outgoing, class clown personality, any fan of the show will tell you how incredibly insecure he can be. As a child, I didn’t like seeing Bart be bullied. Even now, it brings back memories of laying in a mud puddle because Kyle Davidson was just gonna push me back in it anyway. If life was an episode of The Simpsons, the screen would fade to black as I soak in wet dirt before leading into a Butterfinger BB’s commercial. But life wasn’t an episode of The Simpsons. I needed something other than Bart’s approach. I needed Lisa’s approach. Sure, Lisa gets bullied plenty too but does she lay there in sorrow feeling sorry for herself? Nope. She stands up for herself and speaks her mind. It doesn’t matter if the bully is a classmate, teacher or even her principal. If she disagrees, she will tell you. Or she‘ll be the bigger person and just admit that, yes, she’s going to marry a carrot.

“I’m just trashing your father.” — Aunt Patty
“Well, I wish that you wouldn’t. Because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he’s the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me. And I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.” — Lisa Simpson

Against all odds, the middle Simpson child is fiercely loyal to her family and friends. She recognizes the flaws of others and chooses to see the good in them. Even further, she often goes out of her way to help address those flaws. I was a college junior before I understood my parents were people like me. People who had hopes and dreams. People who are still growing and learning. Lisa understood this at the age of eight. Despite her fathers idiocy, she looks up to him but I’d argue Homer looks up to her even more so.

“I learned that beneath my goody two shoes lies some very dark socks.​” — Lisa Simpson

While we easily see the flaws of others, we rarely see our own. Not Lisa Simpson. Her quest for knowledge doesn’t end at the library, she seeks to understand the deep truths of herself. She knows she isn’t perfect and she’ll be the first to admit that. From an early age, Lisa made it clear to me that without the courage to tackle my own personal problems, taking on the challenges the world presents would not be possible. Everyone has a dark side and that’s okay. What’s important is that we continue to grow and improve on our short comings.

“So we’ll march day and night by the big cooling tower. They have the plant but we have the power.” — Lisa Simpson

One of the most important things Lisa taught me was that I have a voice. My opinion does matter. At a young age, I remember feeling so incredibly empowered when Lisa stuck it to the man outside the Springfield power plant. I don’t care that it was a cartoon. I had never seen any kid — real or drawn in Korea — stand up to authority like that. As an only child, I can only assume that siblings, despite their squabbles, find comfort in knowing they have a teammate. Someone fighting alongside you against the oppression imposed by parents, teachers and nosy neighbors. I never had that. But I had Lisa Simpson on my shoulder , reminding me that if I believe in something I should speak up. That I don’t have to take what I’m given. That I can be the change I wish to see in the world. Staying silent doesn’t make me look fat, no, it makes me look like a tool of government oppression.

“Dad, women won’t like being shot in the face.” — Lisa Simpson

Let’s face it, Mel Gibson never knew what women want. But as the world was trying to grapple with the correct answer, Lisa had already told me. Women don’t like being shot in the face with a make up shotgun. And they certainly will not like whatever Homer (i.e. men) tell them to like.

“Come on, who wants to complain with me?” — Lisa Simpson

Looking back, I never saw an eight-year-old yellow cartoon. I just saw Lisa. My friend, the closest thing I had to a sister and someone I’m eternally grateful for. I’m not a father but one day I hope to be and if I am ever lucky enough to have a daughter of my own I can only hope she is as smart, caring and wonderful as Lisa Simpson.

I’m not here to defend or define the political affiliation of a cartoon family. I don’t know if they’re Republicans or Democrats. I mean, I have a good idea but that’s besides my point. My point is that no one in The Simpsons family would ever vote for Ted fucking Cruz.

I don’t care that he slapped political party labels on members of the Simpson family. I am upset he dismissed one of the most important female role models in my life. As if her opinion was less than. You could learn a lot from Lisa Simpson, Ted. But being the fan you are, you already knew that right?