Just like everyone else
Just like everyone else, you want to be loved; you want to experience happiness and appreciation, you want to have purpose and drive.
But something is missing, something changes and it feels like you are in a different body, like you aren’t you.
It isn’t that you wake up every morning happy and force yourself to feel like there is no hope or that you are stuck under a dark cloud. You aren’t controlling your depression or anxiety, because no one who has it would ever dare to even wish this on their worst enemy.
That’s the thing 13 Reasons Why forgot to mention, that depression isn’t spiteful, it’s just lonely.
In elementary school I was bullied by this one kid, he would get off at my bus stop and chase me to the house just before mine. I knew every single time he was on the bus that I just needed to make it to that house, because then he stopped. If I didn’t make it though, he would push me down and kick me, just light enough that I wouldn’t bruise.
In 5th grade I tried to take my life for the first time.
Want to know what I was thinking? Not that I wanted revenge, but I wanted it to stop, all of it, the bullying and loneliness. Not just to stop in my life, but I didn’t want anyone to have to experience what I was, not even the kid that made me feel that way.
Just like everyone else, I wanted to get off the bus and go home.
And when I’m laying in my bed, struggling to get up because I can’t find any reason that makes life worth living, just like everyone else, I want purpose, happiness, and hope.
Find your reason
When I feel lost or alone, like I’m not in my own body, I remember my job and my family. I remember the people who have given up so much for me, I remember how much my mom has sacrificed for my happiness, and my job that has given me purpose.
When I can remember my reason for getting through yesterday, it isn’t as hard to get started today.
Find the reason you didn’t end your life that night, whether it is your children or your spouse; whether it is your job or your mom find the reason to keep going.
When you are alone or scared, depressed or anxious, remember why it is all worth it. Think of the good days, and remember if you have had them before, you can have them again.
Good days will come again, you just have to keep fighting.