In need of safe haven

I wish I was someone’s

“You’re both the fire and the water that extinguishes it. You’re the narrator, the protagonist, and the sidekick. You’re the storyteller and the story told. You are somebody’s something, but you are also your you.” — Turtles All The Way Down, John Green

Sometimes I wish I was someone’s to protect and to watch over.

My parents used to be that for me, but now I have to do it all by myself and although I see freedom in that I still wish I was someone’s.

To be protected and to feel safe.

To be cherished and loved.

To not think about things, because they will get done, by someone else, by the carer and the “lover”.

Sometimes I wish I belonged.

To a place, to a person, to a certain way of life.

It’s like this quite and lovely nag in my mind that wants to be someone’s forever. But the rest of my being doesn’t feel like it.

Oh heaven, that little part which wants to conform and obey and be let under the wing…drink hot cocoa and wear cozy socks and know that the person next to her is someone who could do anything and take care of everything.

It used to be Mom who did all that.

And because I’m in a quite of predicament right now, I feel the pull home like never before.

I’ve been home half a year ago. Seems like nothing and it is, because I am used to it, I’m used to not be home at all, maybe once a year because I need visa for a new place and a little “chill-out” place.

Yes. Home is my safe haven. My mom’s embrace is my safe haven.

Weirdly, with him I never needed a safe haven, he was never that to me. I was strong, confident (more or less) and independent with him.

However I wanted to be a little girl, I wanted to be taken care of. And he did that in small cute ways. But as far as “protection” goes, I think he’s not a man for that job. He wouldn’t be able to protect me like my mom always did.

That is one of the reasons I think about what’s gonna be left when she’s gone?

Who’s gonna be there for me no matter what?

Even if it’s thousands miles away, who’s gonna be there for me?

The other day my mom told me that her and my dad loving me will never change, as far as they live and breathe, it will never change.

I wish to love and be loved by a man like that someday.


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