Honesty in small things, is not a small thing.
Don’t be in a relationship with casual liars.
Let us begin with a simple question:
Why do people lie?
To think of it, people lie when it is needed for the outcome to work in their favour. Thinking a bit deeper, they lie so that they can ultimately be happy. Even though, this may be hurtful as well, but to some extent, can be understood. Given the situation, and the world we live in, it could be really hard to remain honest all the time unless you’re spiritually enlightened to that level.
But this article’s aim isn’t to dig deep into situational dishonesty. We’ll find out why do people lie when there’s actually no need for lying, or when their lies can be caught pretty easily? Why do some people lie casually? I could think of 5 reasons:
1. For them, the situation has weightage
Due to past experiences, people may give importance to a non-important issue in their head. Thus, when confronted, they would tend to lie if the truth is against them. For example, if Sana’s ex-boyfriend used to create a scene every time she was out with a friend of opposite gender, then she would prefer to lie to the new boyfriend lest the new boyfriend creates a scene as well.
2. To get a sense of control
When a person communicates everything with honesty, there’s less control on the outcome. Hence people prefer to lie to get control on the possible outcomes of the situation. This is done to avoid possible conflicts that may happen if truth is told.
3. To create an image of themselves, that they’re actually not
Deep down people know who they really are. And some people hate their true selves. They believe that no one would respect or love them once their true self is known. Hence they go on this way of life where they’re too protective of their image that is being formed in the public. If you really observe them, they aren’t specifically lying to you. They’re lying to everybody at different instances casually.
4. Because you started liking them as a person that they were not
This point is kind of similar to the previous point. When people want to remain with you, like you, maybe even love you, and they know that you like them as a person that they’re actually not, then lying seems the only option to them to let you continue believe that they’re the same person which you started having interest in. The fear to lose you motivates them to lie to you in the moment, even though they’re in fact digging a bigger hole for the relationship in the long run.
5. Fear of accepting their dishonesty
People who have lied constantly for far too long are too afraid that if they accept their 1 lie, it would circle down and bring out all the instances of their dishonesty. Thus they feel they’re already too deep into the mess that it is better to lie one more time to hide their previous lies, than to face this confrontation spiral.
Don’t ignore casual lies
If you are an understanding person, and there haven’t been instances where your partner conveyed something honestly to you and you reacted badly, oversighting their honesty, even then if that person lies to you about petty things, do not ignore it.
If you’re in love with that person, you’d tend to overlook this issue to value the moment you currently have with that person. But think about it — shouldn’t this be really alarming to you? There is absolutely no solid reason to lie to you, and still that person preferred to lie. Does that person not feel disconnected with you? It is a clear case of not having trust on you.
You must dig deep down on the issue. Try to understand the why. Do this on earlier occurrences itself so that it remains easy for the other person to acknowledge the same. The later you confront, the stronger the defence you’d face from that person.
How to confront?
No matter how early you try to confront in the dishonesty cycle, be ready to face a defensive person. Now remember that defence could be of 5 kinds:
1. Dismissive defense
This is a behaviour where the other person would casually try to dismiss your allegations and would make the entire situation appear so small.
2. Kitten defense
If the other person is feminine in nature, then the second kind of defense that person can apply is by distracting you by behaving like a child, or as I like to call it, behaving like a kitten. Your heart would melt, and you’d let it go. Let’s reanalyse the behaviour. Behaving like a child signifies that the other person acknowledges the situation, but not to the extend that you’d want them to. Also, the other person is misusing his/her cuteness. In situation like these, ignoring his/her cuteness would mean behaving more like a lawyer and less like a lover. Don’t do that. Melt by the cuteness, if that’s happening for the first/ second time. But convery seriously your point across. Let him/her know that casual lying is not okay.
3. Direct defense
It may so happen that upon confrontation, your partner really gets affected as the plan has failed, the lie has been caught, and the your partner may take all this to the next level. He/she may react with full fledged defense. He/she may try really hard to defend themselves. In such situation if you’d also become stiff, you both would collapse away. That is not the intention of confrontation. The intention is to remove opaqueness, and become more free mentally. Hence you need to take a step back, and calmly convey that the issue is petty, and it doesn’t really matter in the long run, but casual lying is not required as you trust that person. It is better to not dig deep in such situation as it would only get uglier. But remember, this shouldn’t convey to your partner that the ultimate weapon he/she has against you is to throw tantrums. Let go the first time, take a stand the second.
4. Turning the tables defense
How would you know they are lying in the first place? In most situation, you’d need to cross check to confirm if your doubt about their casual lying is true. In this mode of defense, the casual liar sees that you’re also not pure and pious. You distrusted the person, and hence that provoked you to investigate. He/she may use this against you and would make you feel that it is your fault after all.
5. Sorry not sorry defense
Some people will readily accept their mistake of lying and would apologize upfront. They do not mean their sorry. They would repeat it time and again and would pay the bill of their actions by handing you a no meaning sorry in your face. In such situation, you must create a scene to convey the gravity of the situation. Take major actions like not talking for a day, blocking the other person for the week, not meeting for a fortnight, etc. Via this, you’d convey that repeating casual lies won’t be entertained by you.
To lower the defense of the other person, never ask obvious questions like “Why did you lie?”. Dig deeper inside their heart and ask them questions answer of which would actually help both of you understand the real reason, like “Why was this issue so important for you that you took this step?”
Why to confront at all?
People come in relationship for many reasons, and one of the chief reasons is that they feel they can share their thoughts openly and can depend on each other. When do we feel we can share our thoughts with a person, or can depend on that person? When we trust that person. And trust is a two way street. If the other person distrusts you and feels the need to lie, you too won’t be able to keep up with your trust on that person. Hence you need to make it absolutely clear why casual lying can create distances between you two.
If you continue without taking a stand, it wouldn’t be long before you both split. Because if a person casually lies to you about small things, do you really think they would be honest with you about bigger things? About something that would actually really hurt you?
If you postpone small issues, soon it would pile up and if you confront then, a passive aggressive reaction would come out of them. Which could lead to you to separating your ways. You’d feel at that time that you had no clue about this upcoming separation, but look again, the signs were all along. But you neglected them.
If you’re with somebody just for the intimacy, and you both are clear about the same, you shouldn’t really care for honesty. But a relationship is much more than that, specially post honeymoon period. What’s the point of being with somebody anyways who can’t even be himself/herself with you? Do you love him/her, or a version of him/her which he’s/she’s always trying to project on you?
Honesty is very critical in any relationship. Else, what is the difference between imagination and reality? Would you be able to trust your casual liar partner when he/she says “I love you”?