I hate you. I hate you, but I want you. I want that specific kind of love that rocked me to my core, that left me speechless and breathless. The type of love that hurts you when you’re deprived of it, the one that makes you realize things about you that you didn’t know. I want the type of love that washed over me as it did every lifetime before. The type of love where you dream of a future, but it doesn’t feel like a dream, it feels like a plan. I want that specific kind of love where you’re never in a dark place too long because that love will pull you out without any effort. I want that love where without the other person with you, you always just feel half full, but with them you feel whole.
I want that love back.
Love you really messed with me. You made me believe and see things that I didn’t know were out there. You gave me emotions that I thought were just fake earlier in my life. You really messed with me. You gave me this happiness, unbridled and untouched. You became this pit, this never ending pit that I was happy to fall into because the fall tickled my neck and made me laugh and smile. But all for what? For me to hit the bottom so hard that I felt pain I didn’t think was possible. For me to hit the bottom so abruptly, I didn’t have a moment to process what had happened.
But here I am, processing. Processing how much I hate love. How I long for the love I felt and gave. Processing that I cannot deny that love doesn’t exist, but I can only hate it and scoff at it. Processing that this might not be the end, but could be because life is truly unpredictable.
Love, you suck. You really do.
You played me for a sucker. You crossed me over and broke my ankles and heart. People keep saying give it time, you’ll get over it and move on, but I think to myself, will I? Will I be a stronger person once I’m over you, love? Will I understand better before falling in the “endless” pit you made yourself to be? I honestly don’t know. All I know right now is that you’re crumbling me and crushing me. You’re taking every piece of my heart you already broke and stabbing me over and over again.
I’ve faced worse things than you in life, but I never felt hopeless and alone then. I never felt as if I was going through it on my own. I faced and beat death, but that never messed me up. Yet, love, you truly have wrecked me. I know this will take time, I don’t know how long, but it will take time. It’s just I’ve learned to go after you and never stop until I have you, but I just wish I knew how to go after you. I wish someone could come along and give me a plan of how to get you back.
Love, you suck but at the same time you mean the world to me. I hope one day you find yourself back into my life and never leave this time around.